I suppose it is natural to build relationships with people in the context of what that relationship is.  If someone is your sibling, your child or your spouse there are unspoken expectations about what that means.  We assume certain things from a brother or sister which is different than what we anticipate from our parents or our child.  An unwritten code of conduct underlies the connection and sets the stage for how we interact and understand each other.

Mostly that is OK.  But when I think about the people that have mattered to me (usually late at night, in the dark, when I can’t sleep) there is one relationship that I wish I could do over, without the influence of those predetermined expectations, and that is with my mom.  The traditional roles of mother and daughter certainly shaped how we knew each other.  But those “middle of the night” reflections have made me realize that I missed something important.

Don’t get me wrong, by any assessment we had a good relationship.  But what I now realize is that my view of Mom pretty much stayed within a stereotyped role.  When I think about her, I think of a loyal spouse, a great homemaker and a diligent mom; volunteering, car-pooling and cooking delicious dinners.  She was someone who seldom put herself in the spotlight or asked for attention.

There were glimmers of the woman behind the mom; she loved games and music and a little harmless gambling.   But on the serious stuff she kept her opinions and her needs to herself.  I couldn’t tell you what she considered to be her biggest challenges or her greatest accomplishments.  I’m not sure I ever pondered what frightened her or gave her the greatest satisfaction.

I’m certain I could have learned a thing or two from this amazingly strong woman, but I didn’t see her as an advisor or confidante.  I’m equally certain there were times when she might have needed to lean on me, but never asked and I was not astute enough to offer.  Somehow that didn’t seem my place.

As comfortable as it is to let prescriptive roles guide a relationship, it can also limit the quality and depth of a relationship.  So I would like a do-over, not as mother and daughter, but as friend to friend.  I know what kind of mom she was, but I’d like to better know the person that she was.  I’m pretty sure I would have enjoyed that experience and I’d like to think that she would have too.